Wind Blows, Ovechkin Goes Down

"Prepare to Unleash the Red!"

Washington Capitals slogan or pamphlet for those young girls becoming women?

Well, a little bit of both. The Washington Capitals have released ads promoting the season telling fans... well, rather, band wagoners, to unleash the red! You know, because of their red jerseys. It is a completely original idea that they certainly didn't rip off from Calgary's "C of Red." No, of course not.

Or perhaps unleash the red is a way for the organization to let fans know that Ovechkin is finally becoming a woman. How many times a game do you hear "Semin passes to Ovechkin" and wonder if they mean the player Semin or man juice? I think the above photo speaks for itself.

Ovechkin is supremely talented yes. I do not deny that. But he is also a bitch. A wussy little girl. NHL fans across the world talk about how Crosby dives and whines... but that is because there is a such a microscope on him. Crosby can do no right, while Ovechkin does the same exact things but apparently can do no wrong. Ovechkin does this just as much, if not more, but for some reason everyone focuses on Crosby. Here's a classic example of Ovechkin giving his best Oscar performance on the ice:





This isn't the first time Ovechkin has done this, and it certainly won't be the last. Although, we can all hope Chara catches him across the middle tonight and maybe give Ovechkin a real reason to hit the ice.

Sure he scores highlight real goals and energizes his team and the girls in the crowd pretending they like hockey (girls like Alex Semin). But he plays zero defense, often watching from the blue line while his team fights the oppositions offense, basically giving the other team a free power play. He is a cheap shot artist (ask Sergei Gonchar) and cannot deliver a decent hit without leaving his skates. And even if he somehow doesn't make the Russian hockey team in the Winter Olympics, you can find him at a local Russian pool practicing, and perfecting, his dives.

This Is The Girl That Gave Kessel Mono

The following is an opinion piece from one of our contributors, Jon:

I used to love Phil Kessel. I started calling him "Thrill" before the media picked up on what should've been an obviously nickname. When everyone said he was too soft or not a team player, I defended him even though deep down I probably knew they were right.

Then free agency came and GM Peter Chiarelli didn't re-sign Kessel. I watched as the Bruins salary cap number shrank and Kessel's name still wasn't on a Boston Bruins contract. I got angry! This kid scored 36 goals last season and would only get better! I loved Phil Kessel. Now? I can't wait for the Maple Leafs to come to down so I can see Zdeno Chara kill him when he comes across the middle.

Turns out... Phil Kessel is, in fact, a whiny little girl who puts the name on the back of the jersey above the logo on the front. Sure, maybe right now I just feel like a jilted girlfriend who was betrayed. But Phil Kessel only has one nut. So that makes him half a man. I mean look at the picture above. He's ignoring a hot girl while he looks to the heavens and curses the gods for giving him the face of a rapist and the toughness of a newborn.

He spent his summer telling every newspaper in Boston that he wasn't looking for the 5 million a year some reported, and that he was just looking for a fair contract and that he made multiple offers to the Bruins. Then it came out that he refused every offer and wanted out of Boston all along. Now his name is on a 5.4 million year a deal with the Toronto Goons, and you know what? The Bruins are better off.

Kessel never fit the Bruins mold of hard work and defensive responsibility. They now have 2 first round and 3 second round picks in next year's draft, a pot which can be used to help acquire a winger who doesn't piss his pants at the thought of going into the corners to retrieve a puck. He's probably up in Toronto right now dangling around a gay bath house.

Then it came out that even team mates questioned his commitment. After the playoffs ended for the Bruins, Mr. Recchi said that 99% of the guys in the lockeroom put winning above all us. It is not painfully obvious who that 1% was. Team mates had to beg Kessel to play through even minor injuries, often pointing out that others were playing through worse.

Phil Kessel gives Dany Heatley spiff competition for the Asshole of the Summer Award. The only difference between the two is that Kessel doesn't have a manslaughter on his resume.

Kessel is gone. This one trick pony can take his toe drag move (that every defender picked up on about mid way through the season) up to Toronto where another Stanley Cup is as likely as someone joining Heatley's car pool in San Jose. Yeah, the Bruins need to make up 36 goals. And they will, through hard work, hits, corner battles, blood, sweat and sweet Recchi rebounds. Maybe Kessel can use his new found fortune to buy a spine... and a prosthetic nut.